December 19th – my day off, I woke up at a reasonably late time to my phone flashing. Upon unlocking my phone I found a series of messages waiting – messages from work, emails, messages from friends sharing the latest headline that’d just came out from Ankara and Berlin.
Bad news, VERY bad news.
For the next few hours, I was immersed in the story.
Even though it had been my day off and I had other things I’d wanted to do. More friends message me to talk to me about issues – some I cared about – others I absolutely did not.
But this is necessary – or is it?
The thing is, the world, your life, is unpredictable.
In fact, things are never predictable and that’s why you wake up every morning not knowing how your day was gonna go.
The other day, I saw a guy I knew from a few years back. This guy had cheated me out of money before – but when I saw him I was unprepared and surprisingly, I didn’t care anymore. Since so much has changed for me in the short amount of time – however, for him it seemed like he was still the same.
I pitied him.
One day you’re working for one company the next day you don’t.
That’s just how things are nowadays – or so I’d come to observe.
Same with relationships – one day you’re in, another you’re out.
One day you’re madly infatuated – and the next you find out about the other person’s political affiliation and suddenly everything is toppled like a house of cards.
I guess you could say I’m stoic.
Or at least trying my hardest to have a consistent inner narrative in a world that’s just filled with noise upon more noise.
The more I experience, the less I am truly affected ultra highs and ultra lows – but to be not affected takes effort and practice.
I still worry and think about stupid things like how the next two weeks of work will be hell – but that’s my desperately needed tuition money – I want to sleep, but I don’t want to wake up just to goto work (which feels like a robbery of my time).
There has to be a balance – a compromise – what if I can schedule in a couple of hours where I’m just consciously doing nothing but what I want to do – then I’ll go to work? Would that work? What if I made a habit of 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening to not rush through things but just do what I wanted – would that work? I have no idea – but maybe that’s what I can tell myself now so I can go to bed and finally fall asleep.