Why I’m so unhappy with myself.

I am where I was last year and this is not okay.

Even though I’ve learned to care less and less about the things that bug me. I realized that I haven’t taken the “jump”. I haven’t pushed myself towards the path that I wanted to take and that explains – where I am currently in my life.

I’m working too much again (I realize that) and doing none of the things I love (I also realize this). The combination of the two manifests in terrifying ways:

My sleep is compromised.
I have no time for myself.
I have no time for my health.
My memory is off.
My days pass in a haze.
And my performance at work is lackluster at best…

And that’s just the things I notice…I’m sure there are other things that are reflected back as well, but I’m just too exhausted to take them into account.

I am shutting off internally because my mind can’t justify what my body is doing.

How people do this for long term is beyond me.

How anyone put their head down and say – okay, I’m going to do this for the next 40 years until I retire is way BEYOND me.

But should I be thankful as well? That I’m making “good” money. That I even have a “job” to begin with – though it doesn’t mean much to me at this point since I’m so tired I’ll just take whatever I can get – money is money, especially if I have to pay for tuition again.

But then, there’s a fine balance of things at work here – even if I work my ass off like this – with so much of my personal integrity at stake – this is not a longterm solution. I had found a receipt from a couple of years ago a few days back and I saw how much I was making back then – it was a mind numbingly low number – still what was really shocking to me was that – I had been conditioned to think that THAT was OK.

Was I really that desperate for money?

Or did I “settle”?

Why did I think that was okay?

Was it because it was easy?

And aren’t I doing the same now?

Today? The next week? How about next month?

I also realized it has been 21 days since I’ve updated this blog.

16 days before 2017…

…where does all the time go?

Today I am bothered.

Today I realize this is NOT LIFE.

Today I say no more.

Today I am CHANGE.

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