I didn’t mean to start this post.
Nor start the 3AM Coffee with a frozen waffle coming out of the toaster, but the logic behind it is – I needed some way to quiet my mind finally and bridge the gap between my hot coffee and the time that my head hit the pillow again for my coffee nap.
I would be needing to get up very soon for work and frankly I don’t want to.
Yes, yet again, back at it again, in the same loophole.
Everyday I feel like screaming. There’s so much to get done. There’s work, people I answer to, and me asking myself where all the time went (hah, work), and then the uncomfortable google search for flights out, then it loops back all over again.
Yeah. It’s still like this.
And every time I come back, I like it less and less.
And I can tolerate it less and less.
This place never changes, but I have and so much.
So what to do if you’re supremely unhappy, other than “just suck it up” for the moment?
The answer is probably not that sweet waffle with too many coffee sweeteners, or that bottle of wine which went down too quickly. Consuming unnecessary things to make oneself feel better is not a solution to the problem. I’ve done it too many times to count – and afterwards, I feel worse because I never needed those things to begin with.
So you live and you learn right?
But how to stop the thoughts from coming when you turn off the light? And how to stop this post from getting longer, especially now that it is 3:30AM? Maybe I just don’t want to be awake for my job tomorrow because I think my job deserves 1% of my brain power and 99% of me could be sleeping at work – do you ever feel this way? I guess my job satisfaction scores are non-existent.
Am I excited to go back to school though? Hell yes.
Am I excited to lose my freedom and pay the fees though? Hell NO!
But I am excited because it is as of finally I have something to prove rather than just going through the motions – that’s what I hate.
Going through the motion with no emotion.
Going through the motion with no meaning.
It is all meaningless.
I’d rather be leaning on the window sill of some apartment in Berlin and smoking my lungs out.
Oh the things I would like to do at this very moment right now.
But they’re elusive and only just a wish.
But then I remember, I wonder if I’m truly alone in this state.
The situation could always be worse off.
Thinking about it, if my acceptance letter back into University didn’t show up in my inbox the night I was returning home from Europe, I wouldn’t even know what to do next. What to do now.
When I saw that email I really thought, “wow…this must be a sign of some sort.”
A chance and at least I have that to look forward to.
A way out of here, finally.