Facing reality

There are too many thoughts in my mind recently, and my motivation for life seem to reflect the weather, prospects cold, thoughts scattered like the leafs littered on the sidewalks.

I’ve been drinking too much caffeine recently, trying to figure out how to have energy again and focus energy to do “things that matter” when I’m absolutely exhausted from work.

Truth be told, I don’t know what’s worse: having no time at all, or having all the time in the world, but not knowing where to start on the next steps.

Too many things at home have remained the same – not that I expect any different and try as I might, I know they will not change. And a few things have changed – which prove to be detrimental.

I don’t have the energy to process so many things. Yet my habit of scanning for cheap plane tickets online doesn’t seem to be going away, not even after I calculated just how little time I would have between my work break and when my school starts again. It wouldn’t be wise to run off.

Then there’s people that I want to cut out of my life too – not because they’re not ‘nice people’ but because they’re a waste of time.

On one hand I know I should be easier on myself but being easy doesn’t get things done, nor does only thinking about your problems. I know I had to write them down. So I did.

Truth is, one probably overestimates the work that could be done in one day.

Not even, one probably overestimates the work that one can accomplish in a week.

In a month.

And I feel like giving up.

Because I see no end to this winter and not to mention a great part of me died before I got on that plane and the tears that came afterwards, I was crying at my own loss.

But at the same time, I know things will look up.

Life doesn’t give you too many second chances, or third tries.

I am lucky in this regard.

I can look at my mess and figure out the problems I’ve had in the past and look at them with an objective but also critical eye.

So I lay down some ground rules first for myself.

“Things are not gonna change unless you build yourself up and ignore everything else.”

Focus on yourself and ignore everything else.

That’s my plan.

And this is my only shot to settle old scores.

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