What would your life look like?

I’m sitting in a busy food court as I write this.

I figured, since I have a few moments to spare after eating a small bowl of delicious Pho from the Vietnamese place here.

It’s my work break and as per usual, I’m not very engaged.

My mind keeps wandering off.

And I keep unmatching people I match with on Tinder.

I am seeing a trend here.

All the boring scenes.

So I thought – what would your life look like without the boring scenes you don’t even use much brain cells to process anymore? I began to think back to the times when I was feeling the most engaged and the times that passed by in a blur. 

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw.

In conclusion, however impulsive and crazy the last three years has been – it as also been the most candid, the most intense and the most exciting (though I can’t say it’s been the most happy, since there were definitely a lot of tears shed as well).

Why?

Because, one, I realized to honor the feeling that you’re unhappy with what you’ve known all your life and want something else is healthy.

And two, it gave me much clarity on what I need to do and plan accordingly.

Three, this is entirely my own decision.

I am in control of my own life.

So the take home point is: do the exercise, think of all the times you’ve been the most engaged.

What did those moments look like?

And what’s stopping you from doing that again?

You’ll be surprised with what you might come up with.

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What to do if you’re supremely unhappy.

I didn’t mean to start this post.

Nor start the 3AM Coffee with a frozen waffle coming out of the toaster, but the logic behind it is – I needed some way to quiet my mind finally and bridge the gap between my hot coffee and the time that my head hit the pillow again for my coffee nap.

I would be needing to get up very soon for work and frankly I don’t want to.

Yes, yet again, back at it again, in the same loophole.

Everyday I feel like screaming. There’s so much to get done. There’s work, people I answer to, and me asking myself where all the time went (hah, work), and then the uncomfortable google search for flights out, then it loops back all over again.

Yeah. It’s still like this.

And every time I come back, I like it less and less.

And I can tolerate it less and less.

This place never changes, but I have and so much.

So what to do if you’re supremely unhappy, other than “just suck it up” for the moment?

The answer is probably not that sweet waffle with too many coffee sweeteners, or that bottle of wine which went down too quickly. Consuming unnecessary things to make oneself feel better is not a solution to the problem. I’ve done it too many times to count – and afterwards, I feel worse because I never needed those things to begin with.

So you live and you learn right?

But how to stop the thoughts from coming when you turn off the light? And how to stop this post from getting longer, especially now that it is 3:30AM? Maybe I just don’t want to be awake for my job tomorrow because I think my job deserves 1% of my brain power and 99% of me could be sleeping at work – do you ever feel this way? I guess my job satisfaction scores are non-existent.

Am I excited to go back to school though? Hell yes.

Am I excited to lose my freedom and pay the fees though? Hell NO!

But I am excited because it is as of finally I have something to prove rather than just going through the motions – that’s what I hate.

Going through the motion with no emotion.

Going through the motion with no meaning.

It is all meaningless.

I’d rather be leaning on the window sill of some apartment in Berlin and smoking my lungs out.

Oh the things I would like to do at this very moment right now.

But they’re elusive and only just a wish.

But then I remember, I wonder if I’m truly alone in this state.

The situation could always be worse off.

Thinking about it, if my acceptance letter back into University didn’t show up in my inbox the night I was returning home from Europe, I wouldn’t even know what to do next. What to do now.

When I saw that email I really thought, “wow…this must be a sign of some sort.”

A chance and at least I have that to look forward to.

A way out of here, finally.

What does it mean to have a dream?

A dream isn’t something that’s real.

Read that again.

A dream is something only you can perceive and see.

You dream for yourself and no one else.

And certainly, by that you can probably guess what could be said about your dreams.

At best: “I hope you realize it.”

At worst: “Hogwash! Be realistic!”

So now, my point is – why would you need support from people to validate you to realize your dreams?

Sure, they could help you in the process. But isn’t it pointless to ask for constant validation of “I should do ABC, XYZ…so on and so forth.”

They cannot see it as you do.

Only you can see what you want, and because of that only you know what you need to do.

Of course, there can be times when a push or a nudge is necessary – but first things first, to achieve a dream one must truly apply oneself to it. And to realize it is often a solo journey paved by solitude.

What is your life strategy?

Lately, I’ve been looking for answers again. It seems to be the only logical way to put myself out of my own misery. I need to look for solutions to my “problem” before I waste my time going in circle.

What is my problem you might ask?

It isn’t getting out of here anymore.

I realized now that the whole, “I need to leave.” actually stems from my need to be of use for purposes greater than a mundane job that provides for a ‘comfortable life’.

I recall walking through the streets of Amsterdam at 2AM with a friend and briefly going over the fight I’ve had with my parents.

“No marriage, no husband, no kids.” I’d said.

I remember my dad being upset.

“Don’t you want to do something with your life then?”

Yes. Of course I do – but knowing me, I’m slow to warm to many ideas.

I’m a thinker by nature and picky and those are my faults and strengths.

So now that I’ve got that out of the way, I can focus on myself and visualize the life I want to achieve for myself through action and block out everything else.

So I start reading inspirational things from people who’ve made it. I start doing research long before I’ll actually need them. What else can I do? Ah yes, buff up my skillsets so when it’s finally my time to step up to a “dream job” I’ll not only have the ambitions but also abundant knowledge and resources for it.

And that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll prepare until it is my time.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how – Friedrich Nietzsche

It’s not by any mistake I should come across this quote. In fact, I was prompted by the happenings of my life recently to which I concluded as brought on by a lack of measurable metrics to my ultimate goal – since this goal is grand, knowing where to start is difficult, until I broke it down in a stream of consciousness.

Let’s look at the things I expect to happen in the next 8 months shall we?

I would be working up until January.

Then in January I will be back to school.


The earliest time I can take a trip is in June.


Okay I got the “how”, but do I understand the “why”?

Especially with a timeline like this, it is as if I’d already lived those months up to June – if not then definitely up to January.

I don’t expect anything to happen.


Yesterday my mother told me she was glad I was gonna be home for New Years.


That made me happy for two seconds.

It doesn’t get to me anymore, it seems nothing gets to me anymore.


That part of me that I said died on the way back, may very well be dormant and buried, because my brain wants to protect me from the otherwise slew of emotions, if not emotional pain that would manifest thereafter.

My brain is smart, but it is also tired from playing safeguard against myself.

I cannot afford emotions right now, only logic.


And logically, I need to have more than just words as simple as “keep going”, “this is better for the long run”, “you want to be XYZ, don’t you?”

I need something more time tested than the immediate – it is as if i need validation from one great thinker or another – so I remembered Nietzsche.

“He who has a why to live, can bear almost any how.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

So I thought, why didn’t this work for me in the recent past, what went wrong?

  1. Things were going too good I forgot about reality.
  2. I was chasing after temporary relief.
  3. I didn’t work hard enough.

Here it is again, the “how”.


But what about the motivation, the drive?

What is it that you want bad enough that will propel you to the future like no other?

What is ‘it’ or is it a number of things?

Think about it.

Facing reality

There are too many thoughts in my mind recently, and my motivation for life seem to reflect the weather, prospects cold, thoughts scattered like the leafs littered on the sidewalks.

I’ve been drinking too much caffeine recently, trying to figure out how to have energy again and focus energy to do “things that matter” when I’m absolutely exhausted from work.

Truth be told, I don’t know what’s worse: having no time at all, or having all the time in the world, but not knowing where to start on the next steps.

Too many things at home have remained the same – not that I expect any different and try as I might, I know they will not change. And a few things have changed – which prove to be detrimental.

I don’t have the energy to process so many things. Yet my habit of scanning for cheap plane tickets online doesn’t seem to be going away, not even after I calculated just how little time I would have between my work break and when my school starts again. It wouldn’t be wise to run off.

Then there’s people that I want to cut out of my life too – not because they’re not ‘nice people’ but because they’re a waste of time.

On one hand I know I should be easier on myself but being easy doesn’t get things done, nor does only thinking about your problems. I know I had to write them down. So I did.

Truth is, one probably overestimates the work that could be done in one day.

Not even, one probably overestimates the work that one can accomplish in a week.

In a month.

And I feel like giving up.

Because I see no end to this winter and not to mention a great part of me died before I got on that plane and the tears that came afterwards, I was crying at my own loss.

But at the same time, I know things will look up.

Life doesn’t give you too many second chances, or third tries.

I am lucky in this regard.

I can look at my mess and figure out the problems I’ve had in the past and look at them with an objective but also critical eye.

So I lay down some ground rules first for myself.

“Things are not gonna change unless you build yourself up and ignore everything else.”

Focus on yourself and ignore everything else.

That’s my plan.

And this is my only shot to settle old scores.