I stopped myself from going to the city centre on the last day.
It wasn’t so much that I really minded the weight of my luggage, but really it was more so that I didn’t want to cry.
And I knew I was going to if I stepped out of Central Station.
If it was any other time than “departure time” it would almost feel like a homecoming, a win, a victory, a confirmation that “yes” I had once again earned my time and I can be myself and away from the quagmire of responsibilities on the other side of the world.
It all feels like a different time, a different space, a different life.
I didn’t want to be consumed with a sense of loss – since that wasn’t the point of this all.
It was all an exercise for me.
I had things to prove, so I reminded myself.
Except then, I went to the airport, feeling sick to my stomach. I made the mistake of checking my Facebook feed and the list of “events” that popped up, lists of “news” that was tailored to me by some AI, as if saying: “here, this is what you ought to be caring about now for the next three months…”
At least it’s not indefinitely.
Isn’t that the truth.
I’m being honest.
I am being sickened. I’m thinking about turning all forms of social media feed and just pretend that I never went back – make an artificial environment for myself so I don’t have to deal with bullshit that I already know are coming my way – and try my best to survive for the next three months.
Of course, at the same time, I do also have myself to blame for this – you’re not yet capable of propelling yourself full throttle forward, so you’ll have to keep trying. It’s on me, all on me.
I have to hold myself accountable for not being capable enough yet.
And that’s the thought that’ll stay with me until I make it.
So I’m gonna freeze that thought and focus using the energy of the anger and frustration – rather than pointing it at myself – I’m ignoring everything else for the next three months.
I won’t stop until I am where I want to be again.
And any obstacles that come my way.
Will be obliterated and crushed into thin air.