Let your emotions guide you, don’t let it consume you

I stopped myself from going to the city centre on the last day.

It wasn’t so much that I really minded the weight of my luggage, but really it was more so that I didn’t want to cry.

And I knew I was going to if I stepped out of Central Station.

If it was any other time than “departure time” it would almost feel like a homecoming, a win, a victory, a confirmation that “yes” I had once again earned my time and I can be myself and away from the quagmire of responsibilities on the other side of the world.

It all feels like a different time, a different space, a different life.

I didn’t want to be consumed with a sense of loss – since that wasn’t the point of this all.

It was all an exercise for me.

I had things to prove, so I reminded myself.

Except then, I went to the airport, feeling sick to my stomach. I made the mistake of checking my Facebook feed and the list of “events” that popped up, lists of “news” that was tailored to me by some AI, as if saying: “here, this is what you ought to be caring about now for the next three months…”

At least it’s not indefinitely.

Still.

Screenshot 2016-06-08 16.00.53

Isn’t that the truth.

Telling truth.

I’m being honest.

I am being sickened. I’m thinking about turning all forms of social media feed and just pretend that I never went back – make an artificial environment for myself so I don’t have to deal with bullshit that I already know are coming my way – and try my best to survive for the next three months.

Of course, at the same time, I do also have myself to blame for this – you’re not yet capable of propelling yourself full throttle forward, so you’ll have to keep trying. It’s on me, all on me.

I have to hold myself accountable for not being capable enough yet.

And that’s the thought that’ll stay with me until I make it.

 

So I’m gonna freeze that thought and focus using the energy of the anger and frustration – rather than pointing it at myself – I’m ignoring everything else for the next three months.

I won’t stop until I am where I want to be again.

And any obstacles that come my way.

Will be obliterated and crushed into thin air.

 

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