Refocus, have a serious talk with yourself

Last night, I wrote a love letter to the city I’d just left.

I detailed reasons for this temporary separation and detailed plans for my ultimate return.

After I completed the letter, it was as if a weight has been lifted. It was permission granted from myself that I should refocus my energy on the right now, finally.

Without that letter, I wouldn’t have been able to settle down and settle into this new reality which is completely different – but I am refreshed and ready to tackle the days with enthusiasm even if everything is less than ideal.

I still went out for exercise even though it was dark and cold.

And that’s when it hit me:

If everything was going the way you wanted them to, would you still want them to?

Wouldn’t that bore you to no ends because everything is the same, day in day out?

Isn’t that what you’re trying to break away from?

You’re trying to build your life now with outmost authenticity and you have everything you need – even if you don’t think you do – but you do.

Remember as little as a month ago, you wouldn’t have just grabbed your running shoes for a run because it was storming outside, let alone would you want to leave the house even when the sun wasn’t shining.

You’d wait all day and waste all day.

Now, it’s different – you’d came back fearing that three months of loneliness was in store – but now that you’ve accepted it – you can also see the good in it.

Productive time.

Little distractions.

Time to explore and grow – but in a different way.

Here you will reach clarity and give yourself credit because you’ve always figured a way out before.

And this time with outmost clarity you shall tackle obstacles and build the life you’re proud to live.

Everything now points to you’re at your best.

You’ve never been more at ease, more forgiving, more gentle towards life.

 

You changed yourself for the better in this continuous journey of life.

Now it’s time to refocus and improve yourself even more so you can be who you’ve always wanted to be.

2040 Hours

I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know, clearly, how I feel.

I woke up this morning with 2040 hours left to go – and now there’s 2033 left.

It isn’t that I’m keeping track of time exactly – but I am keeping track of everyday because I ought to.

I woke up this morning and had breakfast – got a stomach ache – but then continued on with my morning exercise and routine and now I’m back and working on my schedule while drinking black coffee.

There’s calls to be made and soon.

There’s things to be done but everything seems to be a mess.

I try again, refocus, shut the door, turn everything off, everything seems bleak.

Yet, I know this is still the right decision regardless.

It just won’t be easy.

All those personal problems can and must take a backseat, because you know you’re only partially still thinking about them because you don’t want to jump in head first and do real work, but you must – time is running out, hour by hour, think about your promise, think about the time you won’t have – wasn’t that what made you quit in the first place?

Don’t stop now.

You only have 2032 hours now.

What are you going to do?

 

What to do when things simply aren’t working out

It’s been 48 hours.

48 hours since I’ve returned and it isn’t a happy reunion.

In the past 48 hours, I’ve had a lot of time – not only to myself but also to visiting friends. Yes – seeing my friends who’s visiting me was great, but after we parted ways, I realized how I was only having fun because my attention was them, and not what was around me.

Again, I don’t care for my own city.

I was due for work – walking out the door, and then realizing I was about to waste an entire day doing nothing I wanted was a complete waste of time.

Sure, I was going to be paid, but that’s not good enough anymore.

I ended up turning back and heading straight home and writing that letter of resignation that contained only 2 lines – Hi, please consider this short email a letter of formal resignation. I quit.

There.

Now that’s done, I’m looking at the countdown on my phone.

87 days until I’m out of here again.

87 days to make it count.

I know full well of what’s at stake.

But I’m not afraid anymore, like I was used to.

If I was to think about this clearly, I was only scared and clinging onto that job I should’ve given up a long time ago because I didn’t want to go deal with the pandora box I’m about to open.

Having a “job” was the safe option, but that option will lead me to nowhere.

I know that.

So.

It is time for a new and exhilarating adventure.

A different kind of thrill.

Let your emotions guide you, don’t let it consume you

I stopped myself from going to the city centre on the last day.

It wasn’t so much that I really minded the weight of my luggage, but really it was more so that I didn’t want to cry.

And I knew I was going to if I stepped out of Central Station.

If it was any other time than “departure time” it would almost feel like a homecoming, a win, a victory, a confirmation that “yes” I had once again earned my time and I can be myself and away from the quagmire of responsibilities on the other side of the world.

It all feels like a different time, a different space, a different life.

I didn’t want to be consumed with a sense of loss – since that wasn’t the point of this all.

It was all an exercise for me.

I had things to prove, so I reminded myself.

Except then, I went to the airport, feeling sick to my stomach. I made the mistake of checking my Facebook feed and the list of “events” that popped up, lists of “news” that was tailored to me by some AI, as if saying: “here, this is what you ought to be caring about now for the next three months…”

At least it’s not indefinitely.

Still.

Screenshot 2016-06-08 16.00.53

Isn’t that the truth.

Telling truth.

I’m being honest.

I am being sickened. I’m thinking about turning all forms of social media feed and just pretend that I never went back – make an artificial environment for myself so I don’t have to deal with bullshit that I already know are coming my way – and try my best to survive for the next three months.

Of course, at the same time, I do also have myself to blame for this – you’re not yet capable of propelling yourself full throttle forward, so you’ll have to keep trying. It’s on me, all on me.

I have to hold myself accountable for not being capable enough yet.

And that’s the thought that’ll stay with me until I make it.

 

So I’m gonna freeze that thought and focus using the energy of the anger and frustration – rather than pointing it at myself – I’m ignoring everything else for the next three months.

I won’t stop until I am where I want to be again.

And any obstacles that come my way.

Will be obliterated and crushed into thin air.

 

We are what we repeatedly do – Aristotle

2000 something years later, this statement still holds true.

I’m used to going to bed late at night, then feeling completely plastered in the morning.

I’m used to doing things last minute, because of poor planning.

I’m used to misuse of my imagination over worrying for worst case scenarios.

I’m used to being cynical and stopping myself from doing what I really want to do out of several types of fear.

I’m used to misusing my energy, because of inner chaos.

And I realized, all of these unnecessary fretting really doesn’t help at all.

The older I get, the more I know myself – through experiences and retrospective observations – the outlines of what I ultimately want are getting clearer.

 

I know that what I’ve been repeatedly doing is detrimental, but when you’re caught in a never ending loop without much hope for change – because everything is the same – you’re in the same city, doing the same job, seeing the same people, thinking the same thoughts – it’s hard to break out of a rut – truly.

We are what we repeatedly do – Aristotle

So I rebelled.

I said “no” to all that bothered me.

I did something different.

I went somewhere different.

I met new people.

I tried new things, had successes and failures in various aspects of my life – the highs and lows – I didn’t shy away from either – but the thing is – things weren’t perfect, yet I made them work – I realized, I could handle so much more in my life than what I had thought to be possible.

Namely:

  1. Being uncomfortable: Ever been to a party where you knew practically no one? Check.
  2. Swallowing pride: Starting a conversation with someone whom you thought was ignoring you, but it turns out they’re just busy. The old me would never do this…the old me would’ve let those worries run amok and shrivelled up in my shell of self doubt.
  3. Making things happens: Surprising your friend and yourself by your party planning skills.
  4. Bounce back from fatal mistakes: Having a little too much fun in club and being helped home by a friend. Opps. Don’t ask me to party for the next 3 months…
  5. Stand up for what I believe is right: Helping someone out even though it makes little sense to other people, but for you its the righteous thing to do.
  6. Letting things go that doesn’t serve the bigger picture: Realizing fully that I’m only behind the wheels of my own life, and not anyone else’s. Therefore, I am completely detached from anything that doesn’t concern me and my attention directly.
  7. Spending time with people who matter: because these are the moments and the memories you will cherish and remember.
  8. Turn thoughts into action a priority: but all in all, taking all of this experiences and recognize that if you didn’t take the initiative to be creative, or put your thoughts into action in time, then none of the wonderful and not so wonderful things would’ve happened – for better for worse, you should continue this adventurous streak even when you’re back in the other city.

The past month was about experiences. It was about doing things I would never do normally and breaking through barriers, regaining confidence, and a sense of balance despite all the chaos.

And that’s exactly the most invaluable thing about the trip, the experiences that I’m taking home with me and knowing that across from the ocean I have not only promises to fulfill, but bigger and better projects, and magical moments waiting for me for when I get back.

Back To Square One, or is it?

 

After my friend left, I felt sapped of energy.

It was another one of those “what to do with myself” moments.

I was again at a loss – because that nice build up of a week worth’s of routine has been disrupted, even in the simple, small things, like having dinner – cooking was no longer fun, because, you’re only doing it for yourself – therefore, it needs to be meticulous and calculated – there’s no one to finish the extras if you’ve made too much – no one to share dessert with.

There’s also no different ringtones to wake you up in the morning – no one to drag you out of bed for that ridiculously early morning run – etc. etc.

But then, you realize.

You’re at a high.

Now, you’re at a low.

Or, you’re back at the baseline, but that’s it.

So what?

You’ve been here many times before, and time after time, you got over the hurdle.

You get up and you go for that run alone.

You do what you have to do.

This is another lesson.

When you feel that you can no longer.

Show yourself that you can.

And then look back.

You will see, how far you’ve come.

How to be Amazing

Recently, I’ve had the pleasure to have a truly inspirational person visit me for a week in the Netherlands (cue to my MIA status on here).

And in that week’s time, I’ve learned so much, not only about myself, but about life in general – you could say I was inspired to no ends.

Now, let me explain a little bit on the background story with this quote by Bill Murray:

Friendship is so weird.. you just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like “yep I like this one” and you just do stuff with them

And that’s sort of what happened in October last year.

You meet someone by chance.

They’re on your frequency.

You soon start exchanging not only words, but your hopes, fears and dreams.

This person then inspires you to no end, because they make you curious about the world again – they challenge your world views, sometimes shaking up the already established status quo – they make you do a double take on the world, a double take on yourself and a double take on the relation you have to the world.

They make you want to be a better human, not even for superficial reasons.

And yet, you then look at them and realize that they too are just human.

Flaws and all.

 

And for that reason, you are both baffled and intrigued when you glean into their day to day.

Despite your admiration.

You know what you’re seeing is not perfection, but it’s a lot closer than what other people (you included) have achieved thus far.

Still, they’re like a mirror – reflecting back that it’s possible to achieve what you want to achieve.

And of course, this led me to wonder – if I should gather all of my idols and put them on a common denominator – what is it about these great figures that I absolutely admire?  I started the exercise in my mind. Listing out all of the qualities that I truly admire from them and how much of it only took practice and perseverance.

So, in short, how to be amazing?

Know that it is possible to achieve what you want for yourself and go achieve it.