I didn’t know what I expected when I found myself back in Amsterdam.
Though there were things on my to-do list, I had very little expectations in the process of crossing them off – in the beginning, there wasn’t all that much motivation. Not really, for one reason or another, I was hoping my love for this city would wane over time (wouldn’t that be easier? If I had nothing to try for? ).
However, Amsterdam, a city I’ve had the pleasure of visiting for almost half a dozen time now, looks as gorgeous as ever.
I’m lucky, it didn’t stop being sunny since I got here, my friend tells me. And I reply that I have great timing. Every single time.
Between chic cafe visits and photography, I had time to squeeze in a date on the patio. It was one of the most memorable dates I’ve had, not just as of late, but kind of in the Top 3 category, though I know I shouldn’t really give it too much weight or meaning, even though I just did.
And it’s more than just that.
It’s kind of the bits and pieces of everything that comes into the peripheral and into my consciousness. It’s the bits and pieces of everything that remind me how life could be, if not a blurry outline of what I already know I want…
It all then became a reaffirmation.
That I was standing in my own way, dithering away, telling myself I shouldn’t, even though everything else points to I should.
I tell myself it’s not a big deal.
I tell myself I don’t want to see you again.
I tell myself a lot of things.
Then in a crowd, I always look for you.
And when my mind’s blank, it always drifts back to you.
Even though I tell myself that’s not what I want.
And it loops.