Why are you doing what you’re doing?

“I’m doing this to get out of the house.”

Or so I tell myself. Think of it this way, this weekend gig gets me out of the house and it pays, so many people would love to be in my shoes, or so I tell myself. But really what are you doing – deep down, I really don’t care if I was doing this or not. In fact, when I get there, I see how it’s like – yes, then the benefits of it all becomes – so you’re not sitting in front of a computer all day long. At least you’ll get to stretch and move around.

But really, what I’m doing – as I do almost every weekend since I came back.

Think about it this way – you’re making extra plane ticket money, while resting your eyes from the computer screen all day.

Think about Amsterdam…

Think about that dream you had last night. That article you read last night about friendship and social circles. How you want to burst out in a Maroon 5 song, about a sweeter life and maps, all the roads lead back to that place, to the one that’s still on your mind. Yes. You keep thinking about New Years Eve past, how many days back, how many days forward – you don’t remember much from the month and a half you’ve been back, but you remember counting down 55…54…53…tomorrow it’ll be 52. Your friend from Hamburg tells it like it is, when you tell her that you really like someone.

“You’re living in the future girl! Guys always disappoint.”

Okay, maybe, but when’s the last time you asked someone out for drinks, rather than the other way around – never. And this fact alone makes you think there’s something there already – though you really shouldn’t think like that. You shouldn’t. You have an idea why you like that person so much, but you really shouldn’t think like that because then there’s no way for a rational evaluation. But isn’t that just the basis of romance? You think it’s a second chance, a do over for a fuck up in the past you never got the answer for…

You romanticized the whole thing, you tell yourself. But maybe that’s exactly what you need, some fantasy and some romance to escape the dreary surroundings you find yourself. You had that dream not because of infatuation, but because of mutual understanding. And perhaps you’re really longing for that level of understanding, maybe it’ll work…maybe it won’t but that’s more than you could say for anyone else…

So there’s something there…even if it’s only a speck.

Either way, it’s another push forward to the right direction – there’s no way you’ll stay. It doesn’t matter the outcome, but remember the feeling, regardless how everything goes, regardless of everything, you’ll always love it elsewhere and that seems to be your personal curse.

Half way through your thought, you realize it’s time to go – work has been another day of inner monologue reverse psychology – you’re doing this for the adverse effect, to get out there just to see there’s nothing out there you might as well stay in and run everything from home. Even seeing people gets tiring because that’s all there is, people you don’t care to see, care to know, and it’s not their fault, it’s you and your ridiculous, if not too worldly tastes that this town just cannot afford to contain.

You pack up and leave. Another day lost, or maybe not as on the way home, you come up with yet another ingenious exit plan – and you check for plane tickets and determine you could make it for not only May, but also July, September and thereafter. You’re rather flexible since you have nothing to lose. All you need is more momentum. More ignition. Another push. A shove. Or maybe a slap in the face for you to do it.

Except then you realize, you could’ve came up with all of this when you’re sad and depressed at 21 with no sense of the future, you could’ve just came up with this rather than seeing a therapist and crying all over her chair. But no. What did you know back then. But now it’s different. You are your responsibility and you’ve seen, heard, been through a lot more since then. Your tolerance and expectations have expanded, you could tolerate more hardship, just not more of the same. You expect more of yourself now and you believe in yourself more.

You’re not going to remain the same.

This is metamorphosis.

So say goodbye to the old.

The old dies to make room for the new.

And say hello to the new.

The ‘you’ you always wanted to be.


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