Mindfulness: dig deeper, there’s more to just ‘I don’t care!’

When you imagine someone say, “I don’t care!”, what’s the first image that pops into your head?

A spoiled child?

A unreasonable teen?

A heartbroken young adult?

Or a middle aged paper pusher experiencing mid-life crisis?

Whatever scenario came to mind, now think about this. What would the person in the situation do?

The likely answer, in the case of a child and the teen, throw a tantrum, be reprimanded for said tantrum – the heartbroken young adult, tell him or herself to get it together, then move on – and in the case of the middle aged paper pusher, convince him or herself this is just how life is and keep it together for the sake of the ‘bigger picture’.

However, if you look at all of these scenarios, what is it that they’re all missing?

We could of course, throw the catch all phrase – ‘these people need self reflection’ – sure, but what does that mean?

What if these people simply went a step further, and asked themselves the reason for their response.

“Why is it like this?”

“What do you not care about?”

“What can you do to improve the situation?”

“What’s fixed here and what’s not?”

“What’s the right things to do now?”

Instead of going back to a state of inertia and holding on, as if they’re going to win a great big prize for ‘grinding through’ something that doesn’t move them towards their personal aspirations in life.

Of course, I’m writing this, because, today marks the date that I flew back. And, it doesn’t seem like a month had went by, no, even though I’ve been working hard, both on my professional life, and in my personal life, I feel that there’s not only so much more that needs to be done, there’s also the feeling that there’s only so much more that I can take.

Truthfully, I’ve made advancements professionally, I have things to look forward to in my work and things that are new and challenging, which I am grateful for. Personally, however, I’m at a standstill, if not at a complete loss.

Limbo is the feeling of timelessness and the feeling that you’re trapped inside a punishing eternity. It is as if time does not pass, but it does, because somewhere else, someone else is continuing on with their life, without you – and you’re stuck on your side of reality unable to make progress on the other side – reason being, you’re simply not there. Yes, I keep replaying back scenes, how it all could be, but won’t ever be. You know, I could just let them all go, and be ‘happy’ with what I have on my side of the world, however, that’s settling, and I don’t settle.

“I don’t care.”

I simply don’t. I come off as harsh in ignoring social niceties, because I don’t find certain things intriguing to me, such as the things promoted and consumed on most media outlets. The sheer stupidity of what’s being presented on TV is rather offensive, and the fact that people talk about it afterwards as a way of communication is quite disturbing – where’s the value in all of that?

I’d rather be told stories of Frederick II of Prussia, or Lion of the North, go to exhibitions and look at great cultural artefacts than listen to another round of anything that I do not care for – such as things I do not ascribe any artistic, aesthetic, historical, physical, or sentimental values to. They’re out, simply because there’s no value and I shall not waste my time on those things.

Today I looked around again and said, “I don’t care.” – I thought about how much money I was being paid to do something, and I thought, “I don’t care.” I thought that the setting, albeit inviting was wrong, the people, albeit hospitable was fake, the task albeit simple was meaningless… and there, I explained to myself why it won’t probably work out. There’s nothing to learn from, or be extracted from the task at hand and that alone made me look around again, at how people seemingly go about their day on autopilot.

Would these people even know if I brought up Vlad Tepes? How would they respond?

I’m not freaked out anymore at the thought that I seem to exist on a different world (or perhaps I’m always mentally elsewhere that I fail to take interest in what’s happening around me) and this disconnect is not at all unpleasant, I’ve come to accept that’s just a part of being here. What I’ve come to appreciate lately is that, even though this disconnection takes up most of my days, when it matters, I can still ‘connect’. I’m not completely broken up inside – because what’d happened was that recently someone made me an easily broken promise but it made me smile anyways – I told myself not to get my hopes up too high (logically) but logics aside, physiologically speaking I was in a different state…I’d never felt so energized because someone else made me happy (this was the first time in a long time) but then again, even the happiness was brief and fleeting, I’m still glad it happened. Again, putting things into perspective.

There’s a lot more to be done here.

A lot more to be realized elsewhere.

I say I don’t care, not because I don’t care for life itself. I say I don’t care, because I don’t care for here, this place, and the right now.

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