Everything was fine…until, you see someone you’re not over on Tinder. Cue to the loudest internal scream you could imagine.
Oh yeah. Someone you haven’t been able to get over, since eons ago (clearly measurable in years).
- Why are they on Tinder?
- …Are they single?
- …Does this mean…no don’t go there brain. (except you just totally did.)
For the first two hours, there’s excitement, there’s happiness, there’s pain, there’s possibility, there’s that 0.0000000000000000001% chance… There’s running out the door and going for an impromptu run. Because running is the only thing that’ll stop you from doing anything – and to clear your mind – what should I do, left or right or nothing?
When you get home – it’s contact every friend that’s online on Facebook and form a support group. Except then there are shitty friends that tell you, “Wow, that’s your ‘I’m never getting over it’? And they’re single? You know where I’m going ;)” (honestly, where is my unfriend button in real life? Facebook get on that please.)
Geesh, then you realize you need to go out and make new friends. Still. That doesn’t help with the situation – left, right, or just uninstall Tinder!?
Left or right or uninstall?!
You go and make dinner instead, while in the background you’re listening to every sad breakup song there is to listen to, laughing and crying while you’re chopping onions. You don’t know why you’re crying exactly, but you have more than a hunch as to why.
Partially onion, partially heartache, and this entire situation is pathetic as hell.
Then you drain an entire 500 ML can of Carlsberg, and then you open another 500 ML can of the same.
So you go back to Tinder, sit yourself down, and think about it with that profile open. This person might’ve been everything in the past, but now – everything considered – it’s not only implausible, it’s outright stupid. Maybe if I was more of a romantic, I would’ve swiped right, I might’ve even superliked, just to get your attention a second time (nope, I have too much pride) to get a second chance (no thank you, you give me enough anxiety as is), just to be considered upon again, but that’s not real life. At least, that’s not how I operate as a person anymore.
This decision was partially made because I have too much pride now, and I’d gained wisdom and practicality along the way. My outlook on life is different. It comes down to self-respect. There’s too much fundamental flaw in acting upon desire itself, because even though if feelings are there I realize the impossibility of the situation – and I had long resigned myself to a life of solitude, sure I appreciate eye-candy from time to time, but I’m not looking for disruptions of that peace.
Hence, by even seeing a photo, I can even think about acting on impulse is quite dangerous to how far I’ve come. I know how I feel and it’s not a feeling I’ll ever get over (honest, three years and no one comes close, hence it’s not fair for anyone, even when I’m with someone else it always goes back to you doesn’t it, and never mind all those other little details which I won’t mention, wow, cue to every breakup song out there now). You set the bar too high, but that’s useless, because I wasn’t worthy and I’ll never be in your eyes.
Everything’s useless. Because then I realized, I’m just trying to find an imitation of you. To have that feeling back again – but then you also made me feel so insignificant, but this is only because I cared about what you thought too much.
And you thought nothing of me essentially.
The Estella Havisham to my Pip. Except, I don’t love you endlessly like Pip loves Estella. Despite that, I did try to chase you to the end of the world, twice. Nothing. You didn’t care. So I can’t imagine that you care now.
Things will never work out like I want them to, because I don’t even know what I’m hoping for.
I want you but you’re not my destiny.
So what’s the point?
Hence, I let you go.
So thank you.
Thank you for delivering a blow from all the way on the other side of the world.
I haven’t felt this low since years ago.
Thank you for still teaching me another lesson when you don’t even know. But I guess that’s how we are – you will never know.
Thank you for inspiring me all this time, for driving me to be better, because all I wanted to be is be good enough for you.
Thank you for never letting me know you, so I hold you to so high of regard that you’re essentially the most flawless being to ever walk this earth, the most gorgeous creature I had the fortunes to lay my eyes upon.
Thank you for telling me that you love me, when you clearly didn’t mean it, but that’s always nice to hear isn’t it.
Thank you for letting me know I’m still capable of feelings, because without you I’m as emotional as a robot.
Thank you for making me believe in love, then dispelling that error in judgement.
Thank you for making me grow up, be better, be tougher, be more adventurous and courageous in life.
Thank you for letting me reflect upon you like the moon reflects upon the sun, chasing your light since day one. Even if we exist in the same sky, it’s impossible for us to be – just imagine the devastation, the suffering, the damage…
And finally, thank you for reminding me, I don’t have enough chips to continue on this game.
Because even as I close this open letter, I know no one else will ever come close. There’s no more fuel to start another fire that burns me as uncontrollably as the one for you.
Know that, you’re the only one I’ll throw everything away for, the only one I’ll self destruct for.
But you’ll never know.
And I like to keep it that way.