If you’re not satisfied with the results, get back and take another shot

I run away at every chance I get. (There’s a reason.)

I don’t even care anymore. (There’s a reason.)

It’s by no mistake that I’m more alive when I’m away. (There’s also a reason for that.)

Recently I realized, there’s only so many chances that should be given since your time is limited – if you’re going to write a place off altogether, it’s better to just distance yourself from that place and all of its BS altogether.

Just say ‘no’.

You don’t care. You never did. So why bother pretending you do now.

You’re not on the same reality as those around you, and that’s okay – because there’s a number of people that understands you on the other side of the world. They understand you despite not sharing the same background. You might ask yourself how fucked up is that – but shit happens – what’s more fucked up is not doing anything about it, not seeking it out.

If you see an opportunity, even a glimmer of hope, you should pursue it.

The worst of it would disappointment. Disappointment never killed. But how many people died with their dreams unrealized is probably far too many.

There’s still people that makes you excited and make you smile. That’s a good sign. It means they mean something to you. And for that ‘meaning’ you’re trying to seek, you’re better off seeking it – because ultimately, it means something to you.


Adjustment period over, settled for now…

A housekeeping post more or less for Wednesday, January 20, 2016.

Recently: I went on a date. I thought I’d try. It was…a date. And it was a NOPE. (Or you can have the long version. He was nice. I wasn’t interested. He said he’s after hook-ups. I still wasn’t interested. Conversation’s nice, going out and doing stuff is nice…no attraction. Nice.)

Today: another person told me that I was born on the wrong continent. Thanks, that made me smile and might be all the push I need. This person, I want to go on a date with.

Currently: I’m listening to Ellie Goulding – On My Mind (because ‘you’re on the wrong continent’ is indeed on my mind and because I might’ve rediscovered Ellie Goulding because of that certain someone…sadly we’re on different continents, oh if life was easy…)

For dinner: I had a burrito and chips…I need to remind myself not to eat junk food just because I’m tired and head to the gym early tomorrow morning then breeze through work.

So yes, this is me settling in. Keep an eye out for more mundane things, such as fitness goals/plans and creative projects coming soooon!

Things I would’ve done differently on my trip, if I were to do it again.

And so to beat the PTBS (post travel blues syndrome) I went looking through footage I took in Europe and from it, I can see why I did not collect enough useable footage, despite having accumulated around 50 GB worth of material (that’s quite a lot of pictures/video footage). The first thing I noticed was that, I was perhaps too ambitious with my 3-4 days / city plan, especially if that 3-4 days / city plan was a free flowing type of plan that had 0 pre-thought and pre-planning to it. My 3-4 days / city plans were also interrupted with other ‘fun’ activities, like hanging out with friends in cafes and bars, going to events and club type of activities – these activities while fun, compressed actual shooting time even further. And looking through the photos, I concluded:

  1. Time spent in a city
  2. Pre-planning
  3. Weather conditions/Environment/how you improvise
  4. Collaborative efforts

Are all factors to consider when you visit a city for creative endeavors.

Niet koud genoeg: Not cold enough

Earlier, I was talking to a Dutch friend, she went on to inform me that it was snowing in The Netherlands.

Frosty 0 degrees.

Then I looked outside my window.

“It isn’t here. Niet koud genoeg.” I wrote back, after remembering I learned the words on Duolingo recently, but not exactly in that order, and I had no idea if the grammar or structure were right.

It turns out, I was right.


But what’s the real moral of the story?


I wasn’t afraid of getting it wrong and looking ridiculous because so. My main point was to communicate and to get better at a language. Because I realize, the best way to retain information is to incorporate the new pieces of information into daily activity, and thus making it relevant to you, ie: think babies and babbling.

And then I thought, I need to do more of this stumbling and learning. Make mistakes and get corrected for them. Because here’s another thing I realized. Whenever I do something ‘right’, I don’t go question why I did something right. I’ll more likely to hurry to task #2. But if I make a mistake, I’ll have to go back and pay more attention to the task and retry, hence deepening the connection. Such is true in any skill one is trying to acquire.

Hence, mistakes are not to be penalized and avoided.

Mistakes are to be embraced for the sake of learning.


That spark you lack is a lack in imagination.

It’s been a busy week back and it’s been a win and loss.

What I’m starting to realize is that as long as I have a proper creative outlet, a space to express myself, I can be quite alright in my day to day. Of course, a little more organization would be nice too. For one, I still have to develop a morning regime for this job and stick it. In my mind this looks something like hitting the gym in the morning, where I blow off some steam and strengthen my cardiovascular system, then it’s heading off to a favourite cafe for some quiet time and coffee, then work.

That sounds like a good start of a work day doesn’t it? Cue to trying it out next week and see how that goes.

What I did manage to develop in the past week is scheduling duolingo time on the commute – yes, what better way to shut the world out and just learn a different language so you could perhaps speak some broken form of the target language the next time you find yourself in a foreign land? I find it better than staring out the bus window, or scrolling through Facebook feed for the 95th time that morning, or obsessively checking other social media outlets.

Then by the time I get to work, I’d be properly refreshed.

And speaking of work, if I overlook the flaws most would consider minor, then it really isn’t all that bad. What I learned at work this week is that sometimes I just need to stay calm and execute the plan as is and trust that it’ll all work out. If not then I’ll go back and rework and revamp. Everything’s a learning experience when you’re doing something you’re interested in and want to get better at. The thing I like about my current job is its growth potential. And what I’m getting from this week is that 1. my standards might be way over the top…and set way too high, 2. everything’s a learning experience, the worst thing to do is to not at least try.

Work: the silver-lining to this all

So, I might’ve had a major freak out yesterday over my new work place, and the place I find myself in currently. However, I knew I had to make some sort of peace with everything, or else I’ll drive myself insane without getting anywhere. So, today, with no expectations I went to work – and here’s a thing I realized one thing I did enjoy about work.

I’m learning new things.

A new company, a new culture = new ways to do things. Even if those things are something you already knew how to do. However, it really doesn’t hurt to try a different way to go about it, just to see how it could work from someone else’s perspective. Of course, having knowledgable superior is always a plus. I might not vibe with my coworkers much, but I vibe with my immensely knowledgable superior very much and getting feedback and injections of ideas are always welcome in my books.

So for what it is, I will utilize my time wisely and get the most out of it while I’m still ‘stuck’ so to speak.


I officially need to MOVE…

Haul ass and just go, as far as possible.

Yes, so, new year, new plan, new job, new coworkers, new….oh wait no…not exactly. It might be new faces, but somehow the pace which things are done, the disorganization, the lack of standards on their part, the lack of interest, lack of connection, lack of me wanting to even make an effort on my part.

I thought first impressions could be wrong, I thought I was still jet lagged and disoriented, except not.

I dislike my coworkers right off the bat.

I dislike the fact that I have to dumb myself down or to appear especially ‘engaged’ at work and ‘sociable’. I hate the fact that it is assumed that everyone is assumed to be ‘settled’ in whatever stages of their lives and content. And most frustrating: common grounds, none found.

I thought I would have more time, I could buy myself more time until summer, until I’ve figured what I’m going to do – because usually, as in previous times, it takes around 3 to 4 months before the afterglow of traveling to wear off and I become agitated because I then can no longer stomach anymore of this general stupidity.

Alas, this time, honestly, right off the bat I stepped off the plane I knew it was a mistake, even with the job contract. However, I also knew I couldn’t stay in Europe, at least not yet, so I came back – and now I face the consequences of my actions…

And so, this new chapter written in the tunes of reverse-Psychology motivation begins.

I just hope I don’t lose my mind before I get out of here.

First day back thoughts…

And so I survived my first day back…among other things. Now, after what it seems like forever, I’m back in the comfort of my own space at home. I can’t say that first day back is what I expected, though I half knew what to expect – new faces, new personalities, delays, scheduling changes, last minute this and that, and more administrative bloat, because that’s just standard, no matter where you are.

What I realized today is that, no matter how much the world around me flutters around in chaos, I always have one person to hold accountable for everything.


At least this is true in my spare time. I don’t have much a say in the efficacy / efficiency of work per se as that’s made up of many players, however at home, in my own time, I’m accountable for how I spend my time. And on the schedule tonight, aside from getting dressed again to go to the gym and pickup groceries and make at least enough food for the next three days…

So there we go.

First day officially back.

Very exciting :’)

Is your environment inspiring?

As I’m due to go back to work tomorrow, I took the liberty to get my house in order. As I’ve realized, there’s more to your productivity than just sitting down at your desk and working away. What I’ve realized is that when everything else in your immediate environment is chaotic, you need to prime yourself for success in your own space. You need to make your workspace somewhere you want to be, somewhere that inspires and reinforces the vision you want to create.


(image courtesy of Home Dzgn | Home Inspirations)

Hence, I recently made a trip to IKEA (yes, out of all places) to get some new furniture for my house, but nothing too drastic. I ended up upgrading to a better and brighter desk lamp (the same in the picture above) and a new wooden coffee table where I can place my laptop and work while sitting on the ground (because that’s how I roll at home) and finally some candles. All in all, I’m very pleased with the new additions to my workspace and will most likely be fixing it up more throughout the year this year.

You will never succeed at something you don’t care about

“Why would you bother to attempt it?”

That’s my point all along.

Passion is an intense emotion, a driving force, a factor against all odds.

It would be easy for me to slip back into a ‘comfortable’ routine, of being told what to do, of excuses and misery. But that should’ve never been the case. Once you get over yourself, and you’ll know after you did, because it’s only after you’ve reached a certain limit that you finally say ‘no’ to everything that’s weighing you down.

And in that refusal, everything, including time itself, freezes, before it starts again. You will not get the time back, undo your mistakes in the past – however that ‘no’ signals a new start. A total refusal to be what had been, what you were – the ‘no’ grants you a new chance and this time, no matter how battered and bruised, you will carry on until you see the light.

This time, unlike the last time, will be the last time.

This time is the only time that matters.

And that should’ve been the rule all along.