I could go, or so the argument goes…
Logically, I could.
All it takes is a few clicks and half a day stuck in a metal tube.
Physically, I could.
I’ve done it enough of times.
Mentally, it’s a different story.
I’m not ready (though am I ever ready.)
The thing that gets me though is that, I don’t have ‘business’ being there. I don’t have business being there in the middle of November when it’s too late for autumn and too early for the Christmas bustle. November. It could just be the most depressing time of the year…but it doesn’t have to be, I could put it to good use (and not do the journey twice), I could stay put, stay here…stay and just stay.
I look at faces on trains – all of them tired, few looking awake. I wonder about what they’re all thinking.
My mom calls me and asks me how I am.
I say tired, because I am, like another zombified passenger on this train.
She says it isn’t looking good for grandpa.
I think, isn’t that what life is about – today you’re here, someday, you won’t be.
He’s 94…if I remember correctly.
94…except it doesn’t matter to him anymore.
He can’t remember a thing.
He can’t speak a single word…
If grandpa still had his memories intact, I’m sure there’s many things I’d ask him (and I wouldn’t care if it was bad form) what was his proudest moments? What was his most cowardice. What gave him the most joy, the most sorrow – I want to know, because he matters, and I want to tell my mom the answers so we can all remember him as he was and we’ll remember him correctly.
Mom says she’s excited to come back soon and I say I’m busy with work, because I won’t be spending Christmas here, nor I’ll be celebrating her birthday, or new years with her – for a second I think if I even have business…being there for December and January – too much has happened and it seems like I’m only catching a snippet – a year’s worth of time, and I’m catching only a glimpse.
A life worth of memories, how much will I retain at its end?