why I have failed at life, a story, thus far.

When it’s night, when the lights are dim and the focus is no longer on the world around you, what do you think about?

Tonight’s a quiet night, having lessened my workload, I had the evening to myself and now deep into the night. I no longer need to go to bed early, only to wake up unrefreshed for another day of ‘dealing’. In hindsight, I look back and see that I had worked so much, while telling myself I was doing my best for my situation. In hindsight, it was – but it was also invariably shifting the attention away from myself, for the time being.

It’s easy to forget about yourself when you’re busy, focused with an one track mind to see something through. I can say those moments are blessings. Working endlessly just to see something come to fruition – I wish I had more moments like those – just stay up all day and all night working. The process of work shifts the focus – especially when it comes from a superior – they’d have to take total responsibility and it doesn’t matter what you think personally of an order, your only task is to do as they say. Some people are satisfied with just that. I, on the other hand, time and time again, had found that hard to process after an extended period of time. I don’t know why that is exactly, though I have some clues as to why.

1. I’m almost always too scared to jump for my first choice: yes, I realize that’s how you do not end up with what you want, ever. I have to think twice about what I want, at times, talk myself out of things in favor of the ‘safe’ route. Self-sabotage, check.

2. I don’t credit myself enough: I have a healthy dose of humility, though sometimes perhaps too much and that borders on avoidance. I don’t crave the spotlight, in fact, I like to stay out of it. This, however, I find is not a virtue, but rather a fault. I need to learn to take credit when credit is due. I need to learn to be proud of myself (which is not a bad thing, you need to be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.)

3. I settled: yes, there are some things I’d ‘settled’ for, at least temporarily, even though I shouldn’t have. I oppose settling at all cost, but the lure of comfort is almost irresistible. However, I realized time and time again, that is not the way to go. Settling is like thrashing around in the water when you’re about to drown…without strategic and rhythmic movements, you’ll never swim away and the end result is not pretty.

4. I blamed other people: I shouldn’t have. No matter how hopeless it might be, you can get yourself out. Count on only your actions (don’t count the intentions, intentions don’t count.)

5. I went back to what I knew, rather than exploring other options: if insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…check. I should’ve tried a different approach.

6. I let myself get distracted: something that is very easy to do…it’s easy to pretend to care about things you actually don’t care about just so you could relate to someone, or a group. Never ever again, I will only do what matters from now on.

7. I deviated from the plan I set out: and got nothing done.

8. I procrastinated and waited and wasted time: ’nuff said.

9. I didn’t use nights like these prior to tonight to reflect.

10. I didn’t use nights like tonight to work on things that actually mattered to me. I’d abused quiet nights like this for 1-9 above without getting anything done that solved the root of the problem. That changes tonight.

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