live backward to look forward

I couldn’t sleep. It was horrible. I had too much on my mind, conflicting thoughts that just wouldn’t turn off even as I twisted and turned. I plop onto my back again and stare up at the ceiling while my thoughts battled each other for dominance. I sigh and decided to cut through the bullshit my mind generated while trying to reach a meaningful conclusion of ‘life’.

I decided to give the hypothetical ‘if you had one day on earth what would you do’ a try, what would I do.

No doubt the picture became: sped through the door, get on the fastest taxi I can find, one way ticket to Amsterdam Schiphol since time’s not on my side.

Instead of letting it settle there.

I went, okay, “what would I do, if I had two days, instead of one day, or a week, instead of two days…a month instead of a week…”

How would you fill those days?

More options started to pop up.

More things, more activities.

I started to get some very interesting answers – the whole ‘one day to live’ gives you a sense of desperation – but when we’re given more time, we can prepare and we can inject more meaning into our lives if we knew, despite all this time we have now, we also have a personal deadline.

I fell asleep soon after the hypothetical, ‘you have three months to live’ scenario, where I began at the end and worked backwards what needed to be done.

Maybe this is what we all need.

Feel a sense of urgency. Not enough that we’re desperate and jeopardize everything that happens there after, but enough to live in the ‘now’ because there’s no second chance. And in realizing there’s no do-over’s or ‘waiting time’, then each day would matter more than another ‘dreaded Monday’ or another ‘dreaded workweek’ or month, or year even.

At the very beginning of this year, when I was at a new years eve party in Stockholm. I said to myself: “This is going to be a great year! This is going to be my year!” – then fireworks went off and I was so happy standing in the snowy landscape drinking champagne straight out of the bottle among friends.

Now I realize why it was, because it was exactly what I wanted – to be in Stockholm, that very moment and I had cut out all the bullshit and made it happen for myself. I didn’t listen to naysayers:

“What are you going to do in Stockholm?!? You don’t know anyone?!?! Why are you…”

Which is exactly what they said in 2013.

“This is crazy. You are crazy! What are you going to do in Amsterdam?! You don’t know anyone there? What’s in Amsterdam? Why do you have to go?!?!”

The answer is simple: “live my life my way and be free.”

Of course, now I realize, this is just so much more than traveling. It’s a statement. I can make things happen for myself regardless whether you believe in what I do or not. It is as if I’m flexing my willpower and saying no to all the doubts (which was also a reason why I couldn’t sleep in the first place) I had to silence those doubts like I silenced those naysayers – ignore and push through – do what I think it’s important and not waste anytime on considering their perception of what is and what isn’t achievable.


It came down to a case of always believe in yourself, never stop exploring and searching for wha you believe is true. You might be disappointed but it’s better to be disappointed than regret what it might have been…


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