I have no idea what I’m doing

“I have no idea what I’m doing,”

I used to say, almost apologetically as I lean back as if I’m almost burnt by the keyboard and sit back in my chair and let the ‘boss’ take over the keyboard to fix whatever screw up I’d just caused the system.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,”

Or in my reflection.

“Please take this problem away from me. I don’t get paid enough to care to fix this shit.”

It’s not because I couldn’t. It was because I was mentally lazy. The thought always went: “I’m paid to do XYZ, nothing less, nothing more, this issue would qualify as W or V.”

And then the problem is fixed, with your boss telling you how it’s done and should the same problem arise.

“Yes of course,” you find yourself repeat, but you almost already know what happens next time you find yourself faced with a problem similar – press the panic button!

“I don’t care. I just don’t care about this.”

Admittedly, this made me a crappy employee. But all I could focus on was the money.

“Oh, I’m getting paid, I got my eyes on that pair of shoes and that dress and those leather trousers I saw on…” And the list goes on, and by lunch time I read an article how “owning cool leather jackets is more rewarding than having children.”

BUY. BUY. BUY.

It’s all garbage.

The attitude. The work ethic. The need for material satisfaction.

Garbage.


All I was doing was accumulating more garbage in a never ending feedback loop. Oh, I had a shit day at work, my work ethic is shit, I need to buy those things and eat cheesecake – then of course complain, complain and complain some more while life slips by.

Nowadays. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but, I’m never going back to that again.”

Freely relinquishing control because you’re so bored out of your mind, but too afraid to find the real solution when everything is falling apart is the worst thing you could do to yourself.

I used to think being hounded by dissatisfaction is just a part of ‘growing up’. Again, not true. You grow up to be the person you want, do the things you want and get rewarded for it. You go your own way, instead of getting leashed into something because that’s what the ‘norm’ is doing.

The other day, I began thinking. What is the ’norm’ actually. Statistically speaking, roughly 68.26% of the population would fall under the ‘norm’, then you have the standard deviations, either falling below, or surpassing ‘the norm’.

The ‘norm’ as I’ve come to realize, should’ve never been the goal.

“We just want you to be a normal person.” I remember my parents say.

What does that even mean? To be statistically like the 68.26% of people out there. The same people with debt and house mortgages so big because that’s the only way they could justify the feeling of inadequacy and the desperate hope for ‘more’.

What’s so bad about being honest and saying no to the things you don’t value?

What’s with this pretending?

If you are reading this, whoever you are, wherever you are in the world.

I’m going to tell you right now, you matter.

I’m just going to say it for all of us.

You matter more than what they tell you.

You have more value than what they’re paying you for.

Your life is not your grades, your job, your possessions.

Your life is about what you value the most and how you went about achieving those things. All else is secondary.

“I have no idea what I’m doing, but lately I must be doing something right. I feel more alive than ever and that has to mean something.”

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4 thoughts on “I have no idea what I’m doing

  1. hey, i love this post! it is so inspirational! i just started my blog out and i would be stoked if you could possibly check it out and leave some feedback! i’m looking forward to more of your blog!
    -cristina ☼

    1. I think quite a few people feel this way, but not a lot of them say it aloud. They just swallow it and let it steep…which I don’t think is healthy. Yeah. But this is also my take on things. I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. 🙂

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