never take anything personal

“We’ll have to let you go, due to business needs.”

It’s been barely a month since I started a new position, and now, it seems it’s back to the job hunt for me yet again.

When I heard the news, I was oddly calm about everything. I might’ve even smiled and nodded. No hard feelings there for some reason. Perhaps it’s because I’m so used to this, and perhaps that’s all I needed for the push for something that forces me to start my own thing, do my own work, and even be more accountable than I ever have been. Because now, it’s all up to me and what I wanted to do.

I have never liked the idea of working just so some day, regardless of how your relationship with your employer is – whether they’re your best friend or your worst enemy – the relationship, you have to remember, is purely built around business.

I have never liked the idea that I had to go somewhere I didn’t want to go and spend 8-10 hours of my day there just to live somewhere I didn’t want to, to eat things that are way overpriced (because the cheap alternatives have long term health consequences).

I have never liked the long commute, 2 hours daily on top of the 8-10 hours, which is reduced from 3 hours when I went to university. Still, 2 hours on top of 10 hours just so society can give me a stamp of approval and say, ‘Here’s your badge of honour. Welcome to the adulthood! This is how every adult deal.”

The rest of 12 hours that are left are spent in a haze. Of catching up with friends and listening to them talk, complain.

“Are you seeing anyone? You’re like the only one that’s still single.” says one friend blinking rapidly, as if my voluntary single status is a sickness that must be cured. She’s more concerned than I am.

“We’ll find you someone,” says another exuding warmth as if the scowl on my face was caused by loneliness. I was her ‘hopeless project’ for the month.

“I give up on dating.”

Gasps from both of them.

“What’s the point?” I explain to slackened jaws and bugged eyes.

“It’s better being alone.” I say into my beer while watching my friend frantically trying to change my mind. Then I tell them I have to go.

I go home to my computer.

Via social media, another friend messages, telling me about his date.

“In this city?” I more or less scoff, then I listen to him about his latest diet disaster coupled with impulse spending.

“I ate too many cream puffs. I feel so fat. I also spent four hundred dollars on top of the two hundred I spent last week on my computer…”

“Great. You know you remind me of the 2014 me. Over indulging, spending, like it’d make you happy.”

He says he knows, he just can’t help it.

And I tell him “Goodnight.” because I can no longer offer him anymore helpful advice.

I turn off the light and roll over and hug a pillow.

After I close my eyes, I hear mosquitos.

The light comes back on and I kill the first one, three more would follow throughout the night.

I over sleep my alarm clock.

And now I’m staring at my computer screen, actually writing down an exit plan.


3 thoughts on “never take anything personal

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