That’s something that doesn’t happen enough.
In this city I feel quite awkward.
It’s not that I don’t have the opportunities – I do and while they don’t happen very often. Once in a while, someone asks me out on a date.
Not over what to wear, or excitement – but always, how to say ‘no’ in an acceptable way so that I face no backlash. After all, I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of rejection too.
I’ve had my share of guys flipping out because I’ve been too straight forward with saying ‘no’.
I’ve been called names, simply because I’ve bruised egos.
People tell me I’m picky. They tell me my standards are set too high.
But realistically speaking, my standards are what I refer to as ‘geographically inappropriate’.
I’m not attracted to conventional things. I’d rather have you tell me your adventures.
I don’t see myself wasting time and energy going on ‘dates’ that I know I wouldn’t enjoy, even if someone else offered to pay. I still see it as a grand waste of time in the wrong company. I’m too honest for that. Because I know, it isn’t actually an intellectual exchange, if one would be going on a ‘date’ – if the premise of the ‘date’ is indeed romantic – then, well, I see it as a grand waste of my time.
But let’s not get sidetracked – today, I saw someone and I realized that was probably the first person I’d actually consider to be somewhat of ‘my type’ then I realized, it was three months since I’ve been back and then it just starts to feel all sorts of pathetic.
‘Somewhat’ isn’t actually what you want – ‘somewhat’ is ‘settling’
It’s not that I’m actively looking for romance and I like to think of myself as having had my fill of it in Europe, except that fleeting feeling is fading and so now I’m landing back on the ground – I’d thought I’m good to go without for an extended period again – since I know, there’s little to zero chance of actually me finding someone that intrigues me both physically and mentally while I’m in my current location.
So, mentally, I stopped.
Emotionally, that’s something harder to do.
As human beings, it seems we’re always looking for that connection with another person. Yes, as cliche as it sounds – love does make the world go around. Except, I don’t interpret it in the traditional sense – I see it as, having someone that gives you inspiration, stimulates your mind, not only that but gives you strength and reason to do better tomorrow and of course you’d hopefully be the same for the other person.
Yes, I know this is a very idealistic view of love, but I can’t really help it.
I’d rather have that torrential few months to always look back on, than a life long of compromise beside someone I know I’m not meant to be with.
Yes I’m young and foolish.
But really, I can’t help it.
And the fact is, I still think about that one person…
That person that gave me so much drive that I still think about…
I shouldn’t even been thinking about, since it’s been so long and all evidence points to that it wasn’t mutual…
But I really couldn’t help to think what would happen if I had stayed a couple more days, made a solid plan, believed in myself enough and just put in more effort – would it have been any different? If we do see each other again, would I need to explain, or should I pretend we’ve never met…would we smile knowingly, or would be avoid each other’s eyes, pretend things never happened…would we be both surprised that we’re occupying the same space again?
I guess it’s all unknown and question marks…until I find my way back.
And if it was meant to be…