look further

Lately, I’ve had this thought – what then?

What if I just up and leave for Europe again this December after I scrambled up enough resources to allow me to do so? What then?

Would I come back more prepared, more satisfied with my life?

The likely answer as I’ve come to realize is no.

It wouldn’t.

Not a long term strategy.

Not a solution either.

Because coming back means the object that was once in motion is no longer ‘in motion’.

Since I’ve been back – everyday, it’s a constant struggle, almost as if pretending to not let things bother me, or ‘pretending’ to be the person I was before I embarked on that second trip and discovered more things the world had to offer than just staying ‘settled’ on my side of the world.

Yes, it’s inevitable that my worldview has expanded and I long for something more and it’s been a struggle to quiet the rebellious inner narrative in my head that more often than not is going ‘um, so what do you think that stranger sitting there is thinking with their groceries going home on the train?’

‘Why does everyone look so glum?’

‘Why does everyone look so unhappy?’

‘Are they really, or are you just projecting?’

Or worse yet.

‘Abort mission. This is a total waste of your time.’

And then I sit there trying to come up with new things to try, or new inspirations to motivate myself into ‘doing’ something.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what I have at the moment, but at the same time I always feel that I could be doing more. I have more to offer that I’m somehow not harnessing and this restlessness is not something I could just quiet down. It is as if the first time in a long time, I realize the possibility of life is so much more but in this vastness I have no idea how to direct my time and energy, hence I’m at a loss.

Though, I did come up with a workable conclusion: I should just ‘do’. (Like the Nike slogan) it’s no longer a chore – nor it’s something my ego would suffer greatly if I failed – because what have I got to lose?

Instead of just thinking about it, why not pour it all out, actualize some ideas that are just begging me to be released for the sake of – well, freeing them and freeing myself from having to rein them in because I’m constantly thinking about them anyways. Get my hands dirty and try it! And maybe, this was that thing, ‘passion’ people keep talking about – you learn from experience and I’m up for experiencing all.


3 thoughts on “look further

  1. Thank you for sharing. I call what you’re experiencing “divine discontent”. I’ve had those same thoughts. One of the most unsettling thoughts to me is that I will come to the end of my life and it will have been wasted. We are made for more than this but the “more” isn’t always what we think it is: more stuff, seeing more, doing more, learning more – will never quench it. Our relationships and how we interact with the world – that’s what matters.

    1. I think so too. I used to think life is a series of events/tests that one must pass, and if one has a hiccup at one of those events/tests then one could not move on and live a ‘full’ life. Now I realized, that’s not true because life goes on and time corrects mistakes but also dull passions for some people – since they grow accustomed to the way things are and go with the flow. I think the point of my post was to make myself see, how much I’ve went back to accepting how things are in my current situation and remind myself things doesn’t have to be this way – instead of thinking ‘this would never work’ – I’m taking on a positive approach and giving it all a try – because that is the only way I know that would lead to different outcomes than before and ultimately new experiences. 🙂

      1. I enjoy reading your posts. They’re thoughtful and thought provoking. It sounds like you’re great at learning from life and that’s the best way to be. Keep at it. And keep sharing.

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