Wow. It’s been a while, 2 weeks to be precise.

A lot had happened since I’ve last updated. I had to do some emotional cleansing. As it turns out, I had and still have a lot of things weighing me down. But since my last post, I’ve went and dealt and settled with some of those things. I hope things are looking up. I hope I’m finally tackling impassivity, rather than just going through the motions of life and feeling nothing.

For the past two weeks, I regained my joy of well, writing, which is ironic because in the same week I received my result for my Communications Midterm. The grade which was F. Wow. Yeah. For a lack of trying on my part. I thought it would be easy breezy, but who knew an open book exam would be that god damn hard?

Needless to say, the grade is a warning shot, a setback. Needless to say, I need to get my game face on and charge, because that final is in 2 weeks and I feel like I still have no idea what I’m doing. Appropriate #FML moment, really.

Honestly, if you ask if I would give up right now, the answer is, yes. I would. But I won’t let myself give up because then I would’ve given up not only on this chance, but also the last couple of weeks of work towards the grade, and all that effort and money would’ve gone to waste. Ugh. Why did I ever think going back to school was a smart idea? Oh right, because I had wanted a Business degree, so I can make some good money to save up for that Masters abroad. Ugh. Conflicting desires.

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Don’t let yourself stand in the way of your dreams

I’ve been doing some self reflection as of late, and one major theme emerged as I sifted through my memories.

 

Apathy – 1: lack of feeling or emotion: impassiveness 2: lack of interest or concern: indifference

 

The theme probably started when I was in high school. I had friends of convenience, meaning, people who sat together at lunch and hung out after school because our houses were close together, did we really share things in common aside from same school, same neighborhood, similar circumstances? Probably not.

 

I had accepted this as the norm and didn’t see the need to expand on my social circles, my fault, as I was never extroverted and was quite self conscious. I was always a great listener. The friend you could tell all your secrets to and nod. I felt as though I never had a voice.

 

So, at the time, apathy became a way I dealt with things because the focus that was demanded of me was good grades and the same theme carried over to my university years. Except, then, things began to fall apart.

 

My friends all left for different places, while I stayed in the same place.

 

I had two choices in schools, and my parents told me which one to do.

 

I couldn’t live on campus because of financial hardship.

 

The same commute everyday, eating up three hours of my time to and back from school.

 

The same lecture halls with the same strangers I never bothered to know.

 

Apathy, whether it was a B grade or an F, that’s how it went, it was how I was.

 

It was then I felt pointless, extremely unmotivated by the fact that it seemed – things never changed for me. The promises of college being this GREAT experience fell flat of what little expectation I had. At first, I began blaming my ultra conservative parents who didn’t believe in the same things I did. I began to retreat into my own world of indifference, while the world spun indifferently, and that didn’t seem to change until very recently, I was so sick of the formula of life that was imposed:

 

Birth -> School -> Get a job -> Work -> Die.

 

It was as if I had lived before my time, but at the same time, I was so inexperienced I didn’t know what life was.

 

That was until December 2012, when I decided I had enough of this state of existence and planned my first trip to Europe alone. I didn’t know, at the time it would be the best decision I’d ever make, at the time I just knew I need to finally do something for myself, something I’d actually like.

 

Then I told my parents – except they’d called my plan, frivolous – useless in the sense it was a waste of money – just like that one German class I took in university – but then, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter how many fights ensued afterwards with them, but I was an adult and they’d needed to acknowledge that.

 

So the first solo trip happened and at first I was scared, but at the end I was more than glad.

 

It was as if I had learned more about myself in those two weeks traveling alone, than I had five years staying in the same place. Being away from home showed me just how big the world truly is – and that there were so many good memories to be made.

 

I wish I had realized this sooner – that the world was bigger than the city I live in, that I could be on my own elsewhere, and that other peoples’ opinion (even those of your parents, or loved one) shouldn’t stand in the way of you and your happiness. Sometimes, you just got to stand up for yourself in order to make your life meaningful. If they’re onboard and supportive that’s great, however, if they aren’t, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue what you truly want. It is up to you to find ways to make your dreams come true!

embracing change

Have you ever had the feeling that you could be so much better than you are at your present state? That you are meant to be more than the tangibles of your present circumstances? That you could do better in life, yet somehow, you’re not?

You’re mindlessly chugging along like a train on someone else’s blueprint to destination unknown.

You live a life, not of your own.

The feeling is not unlike waking from a daydream and registering that however young or old you are, you have yet to live. That something has gone terribly amiss from the last moment you felt alive until now.

Yet, you lack the instructional roadmap that you had yet to discover.

You fear that you don’t know how, due to lack of knowledge, potential mistakes, laziness or the potential of rejection, losing everything if you don’t follow pack behavior.

Every change begins with an idea, a desire to fix what is no longer optimal. An idea of a destination, of an outcome of a circumstance that is improved – it is time to embrace change, to give into what your instinct’s been telling you all along.

At nearly twenty-five I begin this journey of self empowerment. Not foolishly young, but not yet old.

This is my story.

If you don’t try, how will you know?

I had my very first final in a very long time in the evening prior. Admittedly, I did not miss this consequence of structured academic learning at all. No matter how interesting the material – arts or science – when it was time to spill all the knowledge you’d acquired throughout the semester – you might feel something other than an over saturated sponge ready to be decompressed or ‘juiced’ for all your smarts.

The exam, which had my stomach drop and churn, was not as hard as I had initially imagined. The professor didn’t pull all the imaginary ‘trick’ questions I thought he’d pull – needless to say, after I started the exam the only thing on my mind was to FINISH it with haste, so I can get it done over with and sleep – then wake up and study for everything else.

The point is, after I had finished my exam and dusted my hands off I started to wonder why did something with moderate difficulty cause me so much grief – I had been stressing about it days before in anticipation, my motivation to study had been zilch and then the dreaded cram session.

It was as if I had set myself up for an emotional block, the dread, the fear of failure – even before I tackled my study material. Somehow the pervasive thought that I’ll never get that 100% plagued me more than anything else.

Anything less than perfection was ugly – or so I believed (and perhaps still believe to some extent, less so, because I know that perfection is next to impossible if not a utter waste of energy) but, I know that some part of me still refuses to let go of the notion that things must be up to a standard, that everything had to be perfect or else there was no point in trying.

Well, so much for the notion of not trying for fear of imperfection.

Remember: “You miss all the shots you don’t take,” – Wayne Gretzky

So try, try and try again, try and fail, fail and fail harder – that’s how roads are carved.